June 13th

At the Tigers game, we sat next to a man who prattled on about cattle prices and blue jeans and barbed wire. On the other side sat two recently hatched chicklets peeping for hot dogs, soda pops, prezzles, apple juice (?), cotton candy, and respect. Much to my surprise, they got all but that latter and the juice; grandpa was paying and the concessionaires were preying. I’m almost sure that if one of the inbreeds would have requested spaghetti with angel dust pasta, permission would have been granted. I’ve also heard that PCPizza builds strong muscles and that Crack crackers have a astoundingly low amount of trans fats.

Greg and I crashed (slept, not came down from a drug-induced high) at Sachin’s apartment in downtown D-Town. I slept on the floor with a thin blanket for warmth, but the heat from the bullets flying past my head kept me balmy. Thursday at work was busy and for that I can count my blessings in a batch. When I stay busy the day goes quickly, I feel like a valuable member of society as opposed to just another cattail in the shallow pond water, and I feel comfortable in giving God a thumbs up as I lay me down to sleep.

This wonderful Friday morning I was able to pinch a bagel between my teeth before jetting to the Intern Picnic. What else did I do, you ask? Well, not much, aside from helping to orchestrate the perfect prank…

Greg, two days ago, went down the medical center because he was having muscles spasms in his leg. He was convinced he was dehydrated, the told him to go pee in a cup. He just went to the water fountain, and kept the cup. This morning, he called me over to his kingdom to announce his possession of the cup and ask for my help in using it in a prank. I agreed, and returned to my computer to type the following:

Mr. Puri,

Human Resources have become aware of an alleged use of illegal substances by several members of this year’s intern class. As a precaution, to protect the image and reputation of Chrysler, we will be letting go any individual who fails to pass the required battery of drug tests. You are one of seven required to take the screening.

If you have any concerns over the testing, please contact your Human Resource representative. The contact information is in the packet you should have received your first day. Failure to take the test on 6/13/08 will result in immediate termination of your employment here at Chrysler.

Please contact the following representative before 10:30 AM for information on where to take your sample:

D. McDonald, RN

Tieline: 722-1079

We are aware of an intern event today, and request that you provide us a sample before leaving.

We procured the help of an office worker to play the role of D. McDonald. Greg asked Sachin to go get some tea with him at 9:30 AM, and which time I delivered the letter and the cup to his desk. We all went back to our desks to secure the hatches for the oncoming storm. Sachin conversed with Greg, asking him about the letter. Greg said that he hadn’t gotten one, but that another of the in-mates, Stacy, had. She asked Sachin to go down to the center with her. At the same time, I e-mailed him asking if he had gotten a letter, claimed that I had already gone down to pee in a cup and provide a sample of hair. The hair sample is what scared him.

I then sprinted down to the lowest floor and hid under the escalator and waited for Stacy and Sachin to come down for their test. As they stepped out, I followed behind them in stride. Right before we got to the door, I tapped Sachin on the shoulder and told him not to worry and that I had gotten his name off the list.

“What are you talking about, Wes?”

“I got your name off the list. I told them you don’t do drugs.”

Stacy and I then started walking away, not looking at him because we were starting to laugh. When he finally put it all together, he sprinted at me and tried to give me some kind of trick Indian kick. He laughed and panted the whole way back upstairs. We found out afterward that he had been so scared because “his roommate had made some brownies” a month back.