May 9th

I spent the latter part of the day on Wednesday constructing the ultimate car-jacking tool. I used a 15” ruler (what a long tool it was!), one large and one small triangle clip, comprised of what seemed to be solid titanium (we’ll call those Black Magicians), one small and one large paper clip, and an industrial strength rubber band. The items were pilfered from various office locations, including the copy room down the hall. Worry not, though, for I used only what I needed; every part of the pig, if you will. It took approximately 30 seconds to open the door with my magic stick. Case closed.

Yesterday was filled with learning and actual responsibilities. I updated the “issues” report for the truck product group, which, I am told, is by far the hardest report to do and should have taken me months to complete. It took me 1.25 hours. I then had the pleasure to disseminate my work to the masses, many of whom already admire me for my Puritan-like work ethic. Within minutes of my sending out the document, I received 5 e-mails asking me what the hell I did to Internet tubes. “What?” I said. The alpha wolf in my section of the office, Sir William Hall, asked me if I was a hacker. How did he know? I work for years and years to become a competent but secretive computer-wrecker, and he figures it out on my third day. I have yet to submit myself to him as a beta wolf though, so there may be a showdown in the office soon. My direct supervisor, Salvador, took over the mass e-mailing, resending the file without hitch. It is fair to say that to everyone in the office, my competence in the arena of malicious file manipulation will never again come into question.

The rest of yesterday involved brain-teasers and shadowy pop-quizzes which managed to keep me on my toes but not throw me off balance. Today is much of the same… Word has it that I may actually get to do some plant scheduling today (which was the ultimate goal, for me to be able to do scheduling when those around me go on vacation.) At this pace, I will be up to speed by approximately next Thursday, and will have successfully managed to master a job that many of my co-workers have been doing for over 10 years. Yeah, I’m technically still on the bunny hill, but those double-black diamonds better watch out, because There Will be Blood. I wonder if we have any factories in Sierra Leone?

Just got out of our first meeting/conference call. It consisted of about 15 people in the room discussing issues across all three platforms (FWD, RWD, and Truckies.) Erica and I had no business being there, but we listened and learned and licked our wounds from the long work week. I’ve got a personal, one-on-one meeting with department the head in about 45 min, so I am preparing for that by checking my company e-mail every few minutes. As my popularity within this private company grows, I expect the rate at which I receive messages to increase from 2 per hour to perhaps 3. It just so happens that 90% of the messages I get say something like “Thad Scarborough will be out of the office from 5/9 until 5/14.” When I read such powerful statements, I can’t help but feel like a King, overlooking his pride from a perch inside a 3-walled cubicle. And by perch I mean I can’t see anything but grey walls and coffee-stained carpet. Something is fishy. Just pay me already!