June 14th - June 23rd

Since last we met, many cataclysmic events have taken place. We have seen the rise, fall, plunge and subsequent collapse of the economy, the increase of the length of my hair, and the stagnation of the spirit of a young man from Michigan (unnamed, but we share a bed.) The entirety of the last five days of work has been a whirlpool full of dirty laundry that Chrysler should have taken out years ago. Last week included a “Town Hall” style meeting where we “played” Chrysler Jeopardy, and another where we talked with the man behind (or pinned underneath) the $2.99 gas deal. Some agent of chaos released a caged report last week saying that the amount of vehicles bought in the US this year will be around 12.8 million. Chrysler’s plans from January were based on 15.5 million, and their estimates were the lowest in the industry. It just goes to show that even if you are the least wrong in answering a question, you still suck and will probably go bankrupt. Anything other than perfection belongs in the diaper disposal.

Last Monday Greg, Sachin and I attended a speech by Mr. Barack Obama. The light in the Joe Louis Arena must have been faulty, because from where I sat the man looked much darker than me, almost black. There is a possibility that I was in the wrong place, because in other speeches I had heard, the man sounded very white. He may be a shape-shifter, which explains the motto “Change you can believe in.” Maybe it is because I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but a man proclaiming to be Barack and shifting skin colors is one change I just can’t believe. Whatever was up there speaking, promising, and gesticulating, it was very good at it.

I’ve started an in-mate stock game, where people are messaging me throughout the day to tell me to buy or sell a stock for them. I am the broker, and manage $100,000 for each person. It helps to fill in the downticks throughout the day, and the uptick is that I get to practice being the go-to man for stock advice and trading tips. I have to keep up-to-date on the price of about 40 stocks, and have a program set up that tracks the value of each person’s portfolio.

Greg went kayaking last weekend and burned the skin off of his right shoulder. I gave him some Aloe Vera gel and watched as he slathered the stuff on a desiccated patch of skin, which, unnervingly, resembled the unmentionable regions of one of those shaved Egyptian cats.

My sister grew a year further from birth - as we all sometimes do - and Sachin also had a birthday this week. One of the two is class C, and the other is classy, but when you say both out loud, there is really no difference. Happy celebration of your exodus from the womb, sister and co-worker.

I stayed in Auburn Hills for the most recent weekend to see how my in-mate friends spend their leisure time. It turns out they spend in on Canadian Gentlemen. I should point out here that it is a brand of whiskey, not a collection of north-of-the-border males. I crossed the border into Little France (Windsor) on Saturday night and found a parking spot near a back alley pizza joint. Greg wanted food, so we entered. He swiped his American debit card and collected his goods. As he munched, he walked to the back of the restaurant to see if the bathroom was available. When he was upon the threshold of turning the handle, the door opened, and out came a gentle gentile. He blocked Greg’s path and told him that if he wanted to enter, he must give up a slice of his warm (but not hot) pizza. When Greg said no, the adolescent just laughed and walked past him, coming into my field of view. Turns out the kid was my cousin, Nathan Jacobson. It has been said that odd coincidences come in cardboard coffins. Good thing, because I almost dropped dead right there.

The rest of the night was uneventful, and I accompanied one of my fellow interns to Caesar’s casino and watched him play roulette and blackjack. Of course, I tried to clear my mind and pinpoint the numbers for him as he bet, but my psychic prowess lacks real muscle, and he should never have trusted me. I slept on the floor of a hotel room from 6 A.M. – 10 A.M., and returned home upon awakening. My weekend activities may lead to the proclivity to question my true identity, but please, practice brevity in your insults of my modernity.